An Antidote For Those Nights & Weekends Without Him


“Special Love Syndrome”

When your relationship ends and you find all of your “new found” free time unbearable, it makes the pain of a breakup even worse.  Your weekends used to be set aside just for him.  Date nights, movie nights in, and outdoor adventures, now make you sick.  You can’t drive by your favorite restaurant the two of you used to go to without painfully missing him.

More than a lover your ex was your best friend.  Now your life feels empty without him.  In fact, now you’re maybe realizing that your life actually revolved around him.  It seems like everything reminds you of him.

I call this the “Special Love Syndrome”.  The concept comes from a spiritual book called A Course In Miracles.

Basically, the way that a Special Love is defined is a love that is separate, different, greater than, or less than, all other kinds of love.  Think of all the different types of love that you label in your life.  There is family love, friend love, the love you have for your pets, for your children, your co-workers.  And of course the ultimate Special Love of all, the love you have for your significant other.

A  Course In Miracles teaches that Special Love only causes separation because truly there is only one love.  Depending on your beliefs you may call it different things.  I will call it Universal Love.  And before you start disagreeing with this theory, let me tell you what it has to do with your breakup.

Don’t Fall Into The Trap

As women, and I have been guilty of this myself, we tend to fall into relationships.  What do I mean by that?  Well, we meet that one and only, that one who is supposed to change it all around, our everything.  The one we feel safe with.  The one we can pour our hearts out to.  The one who we can always rely on.  You get my drift.

But, not only that, our lover tends to get not only our best, but our very worst.  Our partner carries our baggage, most of the time metaphorically and sometimes literally.  He gets all of our emotional outbursts, all of our drama.  A lot of times women tend to get dependent and needy in relationships.  Or even more common, we play out our parents relationship in our own.

Then, when it’s all over and you’re broken up, you wonder why you feel empty.  You have been a victim, or rather a participant in Special Love.

More than likely, you find that after a breakup you may have alienated some friends.  Or maybe you feel like your other relationships are not fulfilling anymore.  You feel like no one really understands you quite like he did.  You feel very much alone.  First, I want to tell you that what you’re feeling is normal, and there is a way to feel better.

So, how do you start feeling like yourself, again?  How do you stop feeling so shitty, and especially on those nights and weekends that used to be blocked off just for him?

Shifting Perspective: Universal Love

The first thing you could try doing is repairing any relationships you might have neglected while you were smitten with your ex.  Whether it’s with family or with friends, during this painful time, you need to have the people who care about you on your side, supporting you, spending quality time together.  If an apology is needed, then give it where you see fit.

Also, start thinking back to that concept of Universal Love.  How can you apply it to your life?  Can you start bringing people together for dinner parties or fun outings?  Or if you’re not the “host personality type”, then maybe you can start attending more social activities.

Start being more vulnerable in your relationships.  Work to create intimacy in other relationships in your life.  Get to know a friend on a deeper level.  Ask them what it was like growing up for them, ask about their passions, about what they care most for in life.

There is nothing wrong with having a love that is unique from all of the rest.  A soulmate is a beautiful gift in this life.  But, remember that you can have a soulmate in a friend or family member too.  Expand the horizons of love for yourself and see what gifts you may find.

Finally, remember to love yourself!  Re-build a relationship to who you are and what you have to offer in this life.  Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean that you can’t have love!

with gratitude,

Breakup Advice Counselor 
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1 Comment

  1. J says:

    He told me he will always love me but he doesn’t want to be with my anymore. What frustrates me is that I never made it clear to him that I DEFINITELY wanted it to be over.

    I said to him that we couldn’t be together for now because I needed some time and he was trying to get back together for a while and I was agreeing with him then I went away for 2 weeks and he’d completely changed his perspective.

    I came back and asked him for a second chance and he said no, he didn’t want to be treated like a dog anymore running after me. He was my first everything, I still love him. He told me he loved me 2 weeks ago at a party when I was really drunk although he wasn’t. We slept together that night and he told me I was really important to him.

    But afterwards I told him that couldn’t happen again if he wanted to be just friends and that I wanted a simple relationship. Now I don’t talk to him and he hasn’t spoken to me for 2 days after initially starting conversations with me. I don’t know how to go about anything because I want him back but I have the feeling he just wants to be over me and nothing will really change his mind. That hurts more than anything. I guess he didn’t really love me as much as he said he did.

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