Did Your Ex “Shut You Out”?

What Do You Do If She’s Not Talking To You?

You broke up but you didn’t expect her to cut you out. You thought you would at least stay in contact, “talk about it”, take a break and then reconsider, or at least be in touch as friends.

You’ve reached out and its radio silence from her. You really wish she wasn’t doing this to you right now. All you want to do is talk to her, tell her about something funny that happened to you the other day, ask her how she’s doing. Is that so wrong? You feel like she’s being an asshole at this point… but nothing that you say or do seems to have any effect on her.

Getting Shut Out Sucks!

I remember my last breakup, the one who I really thought was the real deal. Man, I really hadn’t ever felt this way about anyone else. When we broke up he said some really harsh things and then cut off all contact, I was shocked. I couldn’t even count how many times I tried to text and email . I poured my heart out, said everything that I wanted to say when we were together but felt that I couldn’t. I apologized for my part in the relationship. I literally told him everything that he could’ve possibly wanted to hear, and meant it!

At first, when he didn’t respond I didn’t take it too much to heart. We had a very intense breakup. But, as the days and weeks passed and I still hadn’t heard from him it really started to eat away at me.

I imagined that he was doing okay, that this was easy for him. “He must’ve already started dating”, I thought. I imagined him telling his friends about me, about how our relationship was a mistake and that he was glad to be rid of me.

I created all of these scenarios in my mind about what he thought of me. It was almost like these conversations had actually happened between us, but they were only playing out in mind. In fact, he said very little when we broke up. I almost wish he would’ve said more just so I could say that he was an asshole and move on. But no, this was a breakup with someone who I actually thought I had future with, it wasn’t someone replaceable, and here I thought he felt the same way about me.

I drove myself crazy looking for clues about what he was really thinking about me. I stalked his Facebook to get any little scrap of information. He had deleted all of the pictures of us off of his Facebook. That hurt! It was like he was actively trying to forget me, to erase my existence from his memory.

The Only Thing That Kept Me Going

There was one thing that kept me alive during that devastating breakup. It was something he said.

I still remember his voice, the way he said it, before he hung up and deleted me out of his life.

He said, “You are not the caliber of a woman I want in my life.”

Now, maybe your ex girlfriend never said anything like this to you… or anything mean at all…

The reason this one thing kept me going was because in my mind when we hung up and a couple of days had passed, something very quickly shifted in me.

I had a response in my mind to what he had said and I kept it with me for the coming weeks and months that I struggled with his silence.

“I’ll show you!” I thought.

This one thing kept me going. It fueled a fire under my ass.

“I’ll show you!”

It was quiet at first, more like a whisper, when I was at my weakest, but it grew. It grew each time I did something that I had told him I was going to start doing during our relationship, but was too lazy to do when we were together.

It grew when I started going to yoga 5 times a week and began to see my abs. It grew when I started volunteering for non-profit groups in the weeks after my breakup and was filling myself with good deeds.

“I’ll show you!”

As I started my meditation practice and started to really find alignment and balance in my life.

“I’ll show you!”

As I worked my ass off and got a killer promotion.

This conversation that I kept in my head had become a mantra. After a few months it wasn’t him that I was talking to, it was me. I had shown him! But, mainly myself because at this point my life looked unrecognizable even to me.

Sure, I missed him sometimes. And, I still checked my inbox every now and again wondering if he had written back to me. By this time, though, that was background noise.

It might sound crazy, but I was grateful. Grateful that there hadn’t been that messy back and forth between us that would go on for months or years. Grateful that I had been given the space to figure things out for myself without his influence. I was glad that he was kind of dick when we broke up because it left me resolute.

I resolved to be better. Better for him, at first. But in the end a better version of myself.


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