What If You Could “Start Over” With Her

What If You Could “Erase” The Past?

Do you regret some of the last things you said to her? Or know in your heart that if you had done a few things differently, the two of you would still be together?

Or maybe it was her… she said something that she can’t unsay, and it set you off. Oh how you wish she wouldn’t have said that one thing! You tell yourself that things would be different, “if only I had…”

I remember after my ex and I broke up I kept wishing that I wouldn’t have pushed him so hard to spend more time with me. I looked back and thought about how needy I was being. If he didn’t text back within a few hours I would freak out and silently seethe until he reached out. He felt this constant anxiety from me. I’m sure it was unattractive and clingy. I didn’t realize I was doing this stuff until after the relationship, and then when it was over I would punish myself, and rerun scenarios of how happy we would “still” be if I hadn’t been so clingy.

Over and over I would rerun things between us. It would drive me crazy. I felt like I was living in a fantasy land where our relationship had actually “worked”. How different it would have been… how awesome things would still be “if only I did… said….”.

It Hit Me!

I was living in the past… none of these thoughts, or scenarios I was creating were real! Not only that, but each time I would run these “if only I had… “ scenarios in my head, I would miss him more. In my mind I would deepen the feeling that it was my fault and that I somehow needed to fix the past, and that I somehow still could.

The other thing I noticed started happening every time I played out these “what if’s” is that it would start to skew the actual past. I started creating a past where everything I had done was wrong, even though that wasn’t the case.

it wasn’t until I shared some of these thoughts with a friend of mine, that I realized I was seeing things from a one-sided point of view. My friend pointed out that the reason I started acting crazy when him and I were together was because he was starting to become distant, didn’t want to hang out on the weekends, didn’t text back and was unavailable most weeknights, and kept bringing up his ex in a lot of our conversations. Perfectly valid reasons to call for alarm in a committed relationship.

There Are Two Sides To Every Story

If you find that you are blaming yourself or even her for the past and what happened between the two of you, remember that there are two sides to every story.

The more you dig and replay the past as how “it should’ve been”, the more you will distort what actually happened.

Instead of actually looking at what DID happen and learning from it. Trying to re-work the past into a “rosier” picture where things would have worked out perfect is not realistic and won’t actually fix the past, or bring her back. In my situation I now realize that I couldn’t have stayed with someone who was so incredibly avoidant of spending a decent amount of time together and someone who couldn’t communicate with me to make plans for simple things like hanging out. It was always like pulling teeth.

Practice Looking To The Future

Instead of looking back and saying “if only”, try taking what happened and ask yourself the following question:

Tip: “What could I do differently next time?”

In my case, I realize that next time I can communicate my needs for how often I expect my partner and I to spend time together in a committed relationship. I know now that I need to be clear about my standards the next time around to see if someone is willing to fulfill some of my basic needs.

This question will help you look at the reality of what happened between you and your ex. What you can do differently next time is also a forward thinking question that will help you get out of dwelling on and re-creating the past.

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